On the edge

despair

Allow me to ask you to, for just a moment, imagine… the unimaginable.

Pretend new scientific breakthroughs in the areas of Time Travel or  Fortune Telling have made it possible (No…  have made it mandatory ) for the “powers that be” to tell you (within a 3-4 day margin of error) that your child will experience an event.  This event will cause them to suffer some level  of pain, discomfort, fear, helplessness and/or despair.

Perhaps he/she will fall off a bike, get hit by a car, suffer a severe allergic reaction, fall down a flight of stairs,  get beat up, whatever… It could be bad; but you can’t know the severity or the extent to which your child will be effected, you just know when to expect it.

Now imagine, the absolute worse part about this unimaginable scenario;  there is absolutely NOTHING that you can to to stop it or alter it.

You’re fucked, right?

This is my nightmare, within a nightmare.

In just a few days, my child will most likely experience some level of pain and discomfort.  She may feel sick to her stomach; maybe vomit uncontrollably; she could burn up with a fever or feel like she’s freezing; maybe she’ll just have flu like symptoms; or gag on the taste of her own bile. I have no way of knowing how bad this will be.  I just know it is, most likely, going to happen soon.

I feel like the preverbal deer…  standing in the middle of the road in the darkest part of night.  I can clearly see the head lights coming straight at me, but I’m helpless to do anything, but wait and watch.

On the edge?  Yes, I’m on the edge, of my very sanity.

 Trying desperately not to trip or fall.

 

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10 thoughts on “On the edge

  1. Those headlights you see are yours, enlightening the dark for your baby girl. The destination doesn’t matter, the fact that you are guiding your family forward does xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Perhaps try Focusing on what you DO have control of; loving your child and family, being there and meeting her needs, writing about the experience as it is cathartic, and knowing that you will do everything possible to fight and support her through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel….I have not been in your shoes or felt your pain, so if my words are a bunch of crap, please ignore and know how sorry I am and how much love I am sending.

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    1. To my beautiful and wise ex-niece, and now friend. (It is you isn’t it?) When did you get so grown up and full of insight and wisdom. You my dear are not full of crap… you are spot on! Yesterday was a dark day and my writing reflected that. Today is a new day. xxxxxx

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  3. We thought ours was a freight train, but turned out to be the light at the end of the tunnel. Daughter, April, is going with us to Italy for the first two weeks of our trip! Just keep moving forward and hanging onto those edges.

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    1. Oh how wonderful Enjoy Italy and enjoy your daughter!!! Thank you for your kind words. Yesterday’s darkness was an anomaly. I may get close to the edge but I refuse to fall. xxxxx

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