I was recently asked, by Felicity Warner, the “Birth Mother” of the Soul Midwives organization in Dorset; “What color is fear?” After much thought and consideration, I settled on a grey/green/brown color with a wet, slippery, yet sticky texture.
All I could think of was the sight and feel of seaweed and the way it sticks to your legs and feet when you walk through it. It often has this thick, rubbery look to it and is found in big piles that remind me of large pieces of yucky lasagne, all twisted together.
I imagine fear as an enormous mound of this vile, smelly, gummy stuff, that somehow takes hold of me. It slowly starts to pull me further and further downwards. The more I fight, the more tangled I become; sinking deeper into it and farther away from the sun, the sand and the shoreline.
I’m thinking, the trick just might be to stop fighting.
To stop tossing, turning and squirming and just go completely and utterly limp. Perhaps relaxing my body, mind and spirit; breathing slowly and submitting to the sensation, would allow me to catch my breath,think more clearly, get untangled and just maybe catch a glimpse of the sun, which would tell me which way was up. Being a child of light, I would then just slowly and naturally wiggle and gravitate upwards towards the sun. I may have had a eureka moment!
Am I fearful of this journey? Yes.
Will I let it consume me? Not today!
rantings of a madwoman 
Melissa – what a wonderfully vivid description of fear and how wise your way to deal with it by yielding! There’s not much we can do about fear but facing it the way you are surely is the way to go…not mention being utterly inspiring!….Nick sent me the link to your blog at the weekend (I was on that 30DC with him and co-incidentally live in Brighton too)…and I have just poured through your posts. My heart really and truly goes out to you all…I know how a cancer diagnosis uproots everything (I know you unfortunately already knew this too) but for it to be happening to your child I imagine is another ball game completely. Plus I know this is all so new and raw. I expect shock is still very much at play… Everything must feel overwhelming and totally out of control at the moment. To be able to express yourself the way you are on here – with such openness, honesty and spirit – is a total gift. Talking of spirit – both yours and your feisty daughter’s really shine through in your posts too (talking specifically of the ‘flicking the bird’ post which I just loved)! I know that doesn’t make it less scary for either of you – or the rest of your family – but it is so wonderful to have that together. I totally believe that this strength, the positivity you’re already showing is the way to get through this. Sending your daughter (and you!) much love and positivity….I’m sorry for this long comment but just wanted to show my admiration, support and healing thoughts for you all at this time. xx
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Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am humbled. I am so happy you enjoyed my rantings! It is the most unbelievable experience(not a good one!) I have have ever gone through… just surreal! As you say I’ve been through this before, but not thank God, with a child. It’s a whole new ball game now! I so appreciate you kinds words and you taking the time to read my craziness! Many thanks … I hope to meet you one day and exchange war stories! Xxxx
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Just keep it up friend – one day you will see how “well” you are really doing.
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From your mouth to God’s ears!!! Xxxxxxx
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