Not the news I was expecting

After 4 1/2 weeks, 9 chemo treatments, endless tears, prayers and negotiations with God… I did not expect to hear; “it appears the size of the tumor has not changed and the cancer count has not reduced significantly.”

Arielle and Rich had a meeting with Professor Seckl this morning, I was not there. Why I agreed to let her and Rich have today and not go up London until tomorrow, I have no fucking idea. So, unfortunately I did not get to hear the actual conversation or level of concern (if any) in Prof’s voice, nor did I get to ask the many follow up questions that I now have. …but, this is not the news I expected.

Yes, I know she’s 31. I know this is her life and her illness and that she is more than capable of handing it on her own. I know she doesn’t need her mother to fight her battles for her anymore and that I’m simply a “passenger” on this journey.

But for fuck’s sake this is not the news I expected!!

I’m doing my best to not freak out. I’m trying not go into “Mommy Mode,” I have a call into Professor Seckl and hopefully before the end of the day I will get to discuss Arielle’s condition and ask the many follow up questions I have for him. I will try to remain calm and positive.

…but this is not how I expected Round 2 to begin. It feel’s like the opponent kicked us in the gut, before we even entered the ring!


  1. I remember those moments so well, you walk into your appt full of optimism only to be told there was no change, it’s disheartening, but you’ll be there to pick Arielle up and keep her focused and positive again, you always need your mum!!


    1. Oh I bet you do… And how devastated you must have been. I hope you are right about me being there for her. I feel so broken. Thanks for your kind words. Xx


  2. Heyyyy Melissa,

    this really, really s*cks.

    As you may know, I went through similar with my mom & while they could both take care of themselves, you are (& I was) an advocate, a cushion & sometimes, even, a punching bag for them. So, while a passenger, a hugely important one – maybe more like the comforting, supportive chair she’s sitting in?

    And, while none can predict the outcome of this journey, i’m sure you’ll make sure it’s the best, most loving ride it can be.

    A HUGE HUG to all of you.



    1. Thank you Lorn. I appreciate the insightful words and like the fact you read my rant. It does suck and I know you know that! …but I do like the idea of a big, warm, safe, comfy chair. It gives me a purpose and meaning! Thanks! Hugs right back at ya. With Love, M xxx


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