Big Girls Don’t Cry


Big girls don’t cry. That’s the rule. You know why?  Because Frankie Valley and the Four Fucking Seasons said so, that’s why.

I’m 5 feet, 10 inches tall.  I weigh 165 pounds (or 11.78 stone). I am a big girl… of that, there is little doubt!  So can someone please tell me why I am crying and more importantly, why I cant stop?

Is it because Nick’s upcoming 50th birthday (September 19th) is all messed up and it’s my fault? Probably. Is it because I’m a terrible wife and mother who’s apparently “annoying” all the fucking time? Perhaps. Is it because September 14th is the 6th year anniversary of my brother Charlie’s death? Possibly.  Is it because I have not really allowed myself to cry in the past 8 weeks and all these tears have to go somewhere? Could be. Maybe it’s because my kid has fucking cancer and there is NOTHING I can do about it, and that’s driving me mad! More than likely.

Today has not been a good day. Tears, tears, tears and more fucking tears. Please do not feel sorry for me!!!!  If anything, tell me to “shut the fuck up!”

I don’t know, maybe it’s because after 8  long weeks, Arielle’s surgery is finally scheduled… for Monday, September 15th, and I’m scared to death. The surgery will take place in Margate, not London.  (Funny, we lived in Margate, Florida until she was like 15)  The London surgeon has no availability next week and it cant wait, so Margate it is.  She will have scans and her hospital pre-op consultation tomorrow and then her consultation with the Oncologist and Surgeon on Friday. I guess surgery will be first thing Monday

I really wish someone would PLEASE wake me up from this horrible nightmare, because I really don’t think I can take much more of this.

…and here come the tears again.

Really Melissa?  Really?


15 thoughts on “Big Girls Don’t Cry

  1. NOTHING is your fault! And you are not annoying all the time! There is way too much going on right now and understandably that’s difficult to cope with – and yet you still are – you have not gone crazy, you gave not broken – you are just frazzled and tearful which is completely normal under the circumstances! On the subject of Frankie Valli… he also said “walk like a man” which I think would would a singularly bad idea for you, so you know , pick and choose his maxims as you will. Very, very best wishes for Monday xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Darling woman, so much love to you I wish I could take away some of your pain. I don’t think anything I or anyone else say can do that or, even, make a difference in any way…AND know how much love you are being sent, healing you are being sent, how many people are carrying you all in their hearts. Truly. You are an incredible and courageous woman, fuck me I wouldn’t have your strength, I didn’t, when in my own equivalent of that place. As for the tears hey girlfriend, let them out for as long and loud and cathartically as you want and need….and know that my, and many other’s hugs and love are there for you…psychically, emotionally, spiritually , physically…… thinking of you ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There are no words to make you feel better, or that can help heal Arielle, but knowing you have so many that care will hopefully bring a bit of comfort. Sending a virtual hug (and continued prayers).

    Liked by 1 person

  4. OMG – I just had a really good comment all typed out for you and lost it – TWICE!!! It was so good, it would have taken away all you fears, all your sadness and made you feel so great. You’ll just have to take my word for it ’cause I could never re-create it again for the third time. My computer hates me and is continuously messing with me!

    So, so sorry, but I know with your strength and resilience, you will be fine shortly. I’m sending you much love and tons of prayers!!!


    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nothing is your fault Melissa. You are a shining light in the darkness of humanity. I just wish you could see what we all can. Go ahead and cry you’ll feel better for it I hope. Sending big hugs and love and prayers to you as always xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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