It’s a Lie


Several people, who read yesterday’s post (“Let Her Sleep”) commented on what an incredible and insightful Mom I had been to have intuitively known that Arielle needed space and to so simply and graciously step away…. I believe my exact words were “As much as I want to chat and make a fuss over her…. I will let her be.”   

I’m sorry to say, it was a lie.  Well, it’s not a “lie” exactly, but it’s certainly not an accurate account of the truth.

I should have seen it coming… it had been brewing for weeks.  I had noticed she had been making little comments, disagreeing with me on just about everything, correcting me and purposefully disregarding my opinions about her medical situation (and pretty much everything else!)

You see, somehow in the last 3 months I lost sight of the fact that my daughter is a 31 year old, very capable, self sufficient woman.  In my mind, cancer had turned back the clock and she became that little girl who needed me again.  I was “Mom,” here to protect her, take care of her, make everything better.  Somehow in my excitement to get my old job back, I smothered her, disempowered her, took away what little control she had.

I’m not incredible or insightful. I’m not a clever, new age, guru, Mom who has it all figured out. I’m just a Mom who’s love for her children is sometimes blinding. It’s that “Mother’s Love” that takes over and puts everything just a little bit out of focus.  It’s the purest love there is, but it has it’s faults.

Note to self:

she is highly


  1. There are so few people who can really say they have it all figured out (and I am deeply suspicious of them!). Just because you love your kids more than anything doesn’t also mean you can’t be insightful or wise, it’s just that one is very common and the other harder to come by ! You saw with time what Arielle needed, and only a mother would best herself up that she should have seen it sooner! Yes, Arielle is strong, capable woman, and yes she is doing amazingly. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t need you though xxxx

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  2. Oh Mel, when things calm down your “very capable, self-sufficient women” will realize that you were just being human. She will forgive you for trying to smother her with mommy love and take over her life. Don’t worry. She will be fine and I promise she will still love you – and you her.

    But I still say its so unfair that they (our kids) think that WE have to rein in our feelings and WE have to play it their way. Why aren’t THEY the ones who need to understand what we need? Well, that’s just the way it is. We need to get over it. I just can’t wait until my granddaughter doesn’t need her Mom anymore. I will be there to commiserate…LOL

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      1. Uh, Oh – didn’t mean to be vindictive. Just meant to be able to point out that she was like that with you and maybe now she will see how hard it was for you, and ha-ha I guess that is vindictive.

        I guess I’ll just comfort her at that time and try to hold back the smug smile…and don’t EVER call me the evil one again!!! lol My Pastor would be horrified, I am considered a gentle, sweet grandma at my church and people might start revising their opinion of me. We can’t have that.

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  3. Melissa – Each ‘post’ has been an honest account of your feelings on that day (better let out than kept in). Always well written, always straight talking – many of your ‘posts’ make me laugh and cry at the same time and on occasion I am compelled to comment – as I am now.
    Arielle knows what you’re like! In my view – if you had been anything other than how you have been (yourself, in your role as her mum) – she would be suspicious or worried about you. You are what you are – and Arielle has been able to hit out at you and have you spring straight back up. What more could a daughter ask for?
    (Weebles are in my mind “Weebles wobble – but, they don’t fall down”).

    I love your enduring honesty. And I love your phrasing that you saw it all, very clearly, right after the brick hit you on the head – that happens to me all the time. Hopefully, the worst is over now – but, there’s still a way to go. I should imagine that Arielle is stunned and frightened (has it really gone? – how much more treatment?) – and she knows that her mum is in her corner. Lucky (31 year old) girl.

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  4. Hi Melissa, glad to read that she is doing and the surgery was succesful…, don’t forget that there is way to much stress and medicine Chemical side effects shaping actions neither that sometimes we send loved ones away as a desperate attempt to protect them from ourselves
    In any case, that is mothers journey, child birth labor hurts but it is just the first training to show us what will come and as we live there is always that felling that there is a missing piece of ourselves at risk.

    You probably know this Khalil Gibran poem, I think it is very accurate although not easy to accept:

    “Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
    You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
    You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
    Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
    For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable”



  5. Melissa- a mother is a mother all her life- what you do and how you feel will never change. Does your daughter need space sometimes just to take it all in and to ask the questions that many people ask “why me?” Time to be angry and time to figure it all out. She needs mommy – just does not want mommy to see her “lose it every now and then”!

    Liked by 1 person

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