Back on November 22, 2015, I wrote a piece about feeling a bit “melancholy.”
In the post, I talked about being a “pathetic, brooding, lugubrious, sad sack” and how all my friends would be better off not calling on me, until the “crocuses were in bloom!”
It was a fun, harmless piece, who’s aim was simply to express my feelings and empathise with anyone else out there, feeling the first pangs of the “Winter Blues.”
After all, misery, does love company, right?
Looking back at my words, I’m unsure if I inadvertently planted the seeds of a “self fulfilling prophecy,” or if my knowledge and understanding of myself has really become acutely keen and accurate. Is it possible that with age, maturity and experience I actually “know” myself better than even I had realised?
Either way, the words I wrote back then… were right on the money!
It did begin as a “subtle shutdown,” but now, in the dead of January (the most horrible of months!) I find that I have transitioned into full blown Blue! I am screaming at the universe; wondering daily if my life has any meaning or value; and slowly (but surly) becoming a winter recluse!
I have shed the thin shawl of melancholy and find myself wrapped up tightly in the thick, warm, wooly cloak of Blue!
This rant is not an attempt to gain empathy or concern. I don’t need company, comforting or pity… to the contrary, I am boldly and unabashedly embracing the “Blue!” The plan is to slowly and methodically explore all of it’s nooks and crannies and hopefully discover it’s source. It’s rather exciting, if not a little scary, this inner journey into the Blue to learn more about ME and what makes me tick!
The one thing I do know about me is when things are going good; when I feel that all is right with the world, I have a tendency to start taking life (and my place in it) for granted. I become stagnant and stop questioning my core beliefs and motives. I lose my convictions and become complacent. When things are bright and sunny, I’m lured into a false sense of security and the mirror reflects only the me I want to see.
However, when “Blue” takes over, I question everything! I examine and scrutinise my life; my choices; my words; my actions; my motives… nothing is left unexamined. “No stone is left unturned.” The mirror reflects a stranger… who I’m trying to get to know.
Blue is a time of reflection, self discovery and enlightenment. Blue will lead me to the truth and highlight what’s really important. I’m not afraid of the Blue… (it’s the grey/black scares the shit out of me, but we’re nowhere near that!)
If you haven’t heard from me, don’t worry; I’m fine, really. I’m skating, aimlessly on a sea of Blue; learning more about me.
It would be good to know however… that when things start to thaw, you’ll be there. Please be there.