Waiting for Wellness

When you’re chronically ill, there’s one thing you seem to have a lot of and that’s time.

For every minute you feel like shit, your mind is somehow tricked into believing that much more time has passed, than has actualy passed.

It’s like there’s “well time” and there’s “sick time.”

The speed, at which the milliseconds in each of these parrelle universes moves, is slower or faster depending on how you’re feeling.

Don’t you think, our “well time” should move more slowly, allowing us more time to enjoy and savour being well?

Whereas our “sick time, a time when we are generally miserable, unproductive and not creative anyway, should move quickly and get the hell out of the way, letting us get on with the business of being well!

This is a huge cosmic “cock up,” as far as I’m concerned, because it’s totally backwards!  I’m just sayin…  somebody messed up!

Lately, I have had a LOT of time to think about time.  This is both a good and bad thing.

I am acutely unwell at the moment, with no real end in sight.  So, on the one hand time is moving unusually slowly for me.

My daily routine is exactly the same as it was the day before, with little to no variance; so each day is just me, reliving my own personal “Groundhog Day,” day after day, after day.

Getting up at 4:30-5:00 AM each day, doesn’t help with this whole “time stands still” phenomenon; an 18-19 hour day is tough enough when things are going good… but when you’re unwell, flaked out on mega doses of steroids and staring at the walls, they’re unbearable!

Time.    Stands.    Still.

However, on the other hand (and there’s always another hand, isn’t there?) from a “Big Picture” perspective, where the hell is the time going?

How is it almost February 2018?  Is my new Grandson really almost a year old?  How is it possible my brother died 10 months ago?  Was the “wedding of the century” really 5 months ago?  Did I miss Christmas?

Do you see what I mean?  

The days and hours seem to crawl by, but yet the years and months just speed past!

I am told, I’m in my “Golden Years” (Golden my ass!) Truth is, I don’t have a lot of time left!  If you think about it, I am much closer to my death, than I am to any other expected “life event” that’s left on my list!

There’s not a lot of time to waste!!!! 😵

So really, sitting around here, feeling like crap, staring at the walls is not a good use of my very limited time…  but do I really have a choice?

I think not.

I’m sure the Universe is trying to teach me an important lesson. Something very profound and apropos, about slowing down, or letting go; maybe a lesson about my need to believe I have some semblance of control over things.

Okay, I get it.

I’m open.

I’m ready to learn the lesson and move on,

Can you will the Universe to release its hold on you and allow you to move to the next level?

I can but try… in the meantime, I will try to be content to sit quietly and wait on wellness.