Originally published January 20, 2010
What must it be like to know, to really know, that your death is days, weeks, months away? I mean sure… we all know we’re going to die, of course, but to know its here, its now, that this is it, “Game Over.”
Can you even imagine?
I hate this photo, because I knew, that Charlie knew, that this was the last birthday he would ever celebrate. He knew that when he blew out those candles it would be the beginning of his own personal countdown. He’d be giving his “approval” (not that it was needed!) to shut the lights and close the door.
He knew he was dying. I knew he was dying, but we never spoke those words. I tippi-toed around God awful questions like, “Soooo, what kind of arrangements do you want… ya know when… if… anything were to ever happen to you?” (This question was immediately followed by a lot of nervous laughter and long, slow sips from my never empty wine glass.) Hmm! I just realized that questions is actually how I found out (much to my surprise) that he wanted to be cremated. Who knew?
So what must it be like to know your death is days, weeks, months away?
I can only imagine it’s hell. It’s horrifying. Its probaley worse than… well actually worse than “death” itself. However, as I said I can only “imagine,” because as close as I was with my brother, he never let on. He never broke down, he never allowed any fear, anger, or sadness to show through. And he never asked “Why me?” Nope, he stood straight and tall and looked death right in the eye, like he had every other problem he’d had in his life. (Oh, and he had plenty of problems, but that’s another blog!) He kept the devil’s secrets, secret.
In a way… maybe it’s liberating!
Just think about it, to know that you don’t have to put up with any more bullshit! You don’t have to do things you don’t really want to do. You don’t have to go to work! You no longer have to watch your cholesterol or blood pressure! You can just be YOU with no fear of rejection or repercussion. It must be blissful in a lot ways… At that point it really is between you and your “god.” The physical world around you must just melt away slowly and become meaningless.
I miss Charlie every single minute of every single day, but boy did he go out with style and class. Which by the way was the same way he lived his life; style and a whole lot of class.
Posted by The Divine Miss M at 8:22 AM januery
rantings of a madwoman 