So How Bad Is It?

Yeah, yeah, yeah… I can hear you groaning from here…  “Not another f**king blog about illness, depression, pain, death, and despair?”   Why yes, “Thank you for asking,” it is!

So read it, or just move on… because it’s gotta be said!

Rantings of a Madwoman’s Recipe for Depression

  1. Take JANUARY, the worst month of all, 
  2. add a week or so of perpetually dark, cloudy, cold, wet weather,
  3. mix in a pinch of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD),
  4. sprinkle with just enough autoimmune disease misery to give it a strong, bitter taste, 
  5. frost lightly with the confusion, disorientation and that “peel me off the ceiling,” feeling you get associated with taking high dose Corticosteroids
And there you have the basic recipe… add to it a measure of your favourite venom and now you have your very own recipe for a perfect depression!

Don’t get me wrong…  I truly appreciate my family, friends and acquaintances trying to keep me positive and in an upbeat mood…  seriously, I do!  To be honest, that’s probably the only thing keeping me from tumbling off the edge; but sometimes you just have to give into that despair!

You have to at least try to understand and value the lessons and boundaries of your own darkness; or else, how can you ever truly grasp and hold onto your light?

I think, deep down, most people are really afraid of acknowledging that they even have an inner darkness… and that has me wondering why?

In the end, if it’s an authentic part of YOU, isn’t it worth knowing? 

If you don’t at least investigate your dark side, aren’t you forever missing out on a vital piece of what makes you, YOU?

What’s that old saying, “…better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t.”  

Sure, I’ll admit it; I may grab onto that miserable, shadowy side of me a little too vigorously (and a little too often), but that’s only because I find her so damn intriguing!

I can’t help wondering,  “Who is this dark, forlorn, woebegone person, who posts images of angry women with a bottle of poison in one hand, a gun in the other and a noose around her neck?” 

I seem to creep (for no obvious reason) from being almost, what can be described as upbeat, into a more sinister, despondent and disturbing version of ME.

But why I ask?  Why?

Yeah, I guess it could be all or any combination of the ingredients in my “Recipe for Depression,”  but this other me has been around since the dawn of my existence!

She’s not new!  She was not created by autoimmune diseases or SAD! She’s been with me always!  I used to try to push her away and deny her actuality…  but if we’re being honest, how can you ever REALLY deny a part of YOU?

You may choose not to acknowledge him/her, you may not accept him/her, but come on, deep down in your heart you know s/he exists.  How can you pretend s/he doesn’t.

I am generally a positive person…  (stop laughing) I am!  However, I don’t subscribe, at least not wholeheartedly, 100% of the time, to the “power of positive thinking” philosophy.  

I believe more in the concept of Yin and Yang.  I believe I am made up of two equal halves and that both halves have an equal right to be recognised, and coexist, as best they can, without annihilating the other half.

“Two halves that together complete wholeness. Yin and yang are also the starting point for change. When something is whole, by definition, it’s unchanging and complete. So when you split something into two halves – yin/yang, it upsets the equilibrium of wholeness. Both halves are chasing after each other as they seek a new balance with each other.”

The word Yin comes out to mean “shady side” and Yang “sunny side”.

Again, how can I know and love my “sunny” side, without at least accepting and embracing my “shady side?”

I truly thank all my family, friends, acquaintances, blog readers and fellow PMR/GCA sufferers who try on a regular basis to keep me on the straight and narrow and show me the error of my negative ways… I really do appreciate your stick-to-it-tiveness!  I’d be lost with out, really! Thank you!

And I promise (even as we enter the second most sucky month of the year, February!) that I will try to get better at being in touch with my Yang, if you do me one, teeny, tiny favour…

Will you, every so often… just for a few minutes… allow yourself to look deep inside and find that discouraged, downhearted, inconsolable Yin half of you, that you may have been denying for many years and just give him/her a simple nod of acknowledgment?

Can you, just for a minute, embrace that darkness that is a part of  YOU and then come back into your light a little more aware and enlightened?

Give it a shot.

It’s liberating!



  1. Thank you thank you thank you.. i needed that permission (WHY?) and it seems like such a relief to drop for even a moment the burden of trying to find a positive in this situation and just let it feel like it is!! SHIT!! love and thanks to you xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! If you believe my rant gave you permission to drop your defences and just feel like shit, that is the best compliment I have ever received. Good on YOU! Bravo! I regularly drop into my darkness and truly believe it helps me see, feel and enjoy the light more earnestly when I return. Good luck, safe journey and much love!


  2. Hey, even here in sunny SC Jan and Feb can bring depression and despair, will they ever end, two very long and “let’s start a new blah, blah” months! Days in bed with the covers over my head are not unusual, in fact, quite liberating, thanks for sharing so we don’t feel horrible when we just don’t WANT to smile🤬

    Liked by 1 person

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