Should I Be Making More of an Effort?

Is it just me… or do you find yourself purposefully avoiding social interactions?

Since November (or the “Apocalypse,” as I like to call it) I’ve noticed that I dodge more and more social exchanges, especially those that are “face to face.”

In the beginning, I honestly didn’t have the energy or the strength to socialise.  I was totally drained physically, mentally and emotionally.  It seemed every day I developed a whole new appreciation of what the term “feeling like shit” actually felt like.

There were flu-like symptoms, aches and pains, extreme fatigue, sore and inflamed muscles, insomnia. OH, and that God awful, never-ending, paralysing HEADACHE!  What was up with that?

The exhaustion was crippling.  I could have “Slept for England!”  Although, I didn’t sleep at night, mind you!  Oh no… I was a “Day Sleeper!”  I was down when I should have been up, and up when I should have been down.

However, here I am, 108 days (2592 hours) later, into this Senior Tweak Out from hell… and I think I may just be feeling a smidgen more mellow than I was, way back when.

Not much mind you!!!  …but a smidgen.

Slowly tapering the steroids, from 80 mg, to 75 mg, to 70 mg…  down now to 55 mg, has provided just enough time and space, for some of my “rough” edges to melt away.

{“What was that?”  Oh, it’s just the quick, jerking movement of my husband’s head shaking vehemently, back and forth… }

So as of late, I no longer feel as though I’m hanging onto “Dear Life,” with these weak, dry, brittle, fingernails!  The jittery, restless, edgy (and not edgy in a good way) feeble, old woman… is feeling more hope than dread these days.

Where there was once angst, there is now a cautious calmness.  The perpetual feeling of being antsy, has been replaced with a casual nonchalance.

So the question stands… should I be making more of an effort?

You see, I have become very comfortable and quite content, being alone, in the house,  sitting on the couch, in my bathrobe, drinking buckets of tea, writing self-indulgent blog posts, perusing the healthunlocked.com website and (get this!) working on a quirky art project (more on that later!)

I’m not at all inclined to initiate a lunch or coffee date with friends.  I don’t reach out and call people, who I used to talk to regularly.  I have a “pile” of unanswered correspondence that needs to be addressed, and I must admit I don’t even look at my phone when it rings. *she says red faced* 

I’ve become a recluse.  Let’s say it together…  “H o w a r d   H u g h e s”

Soooo, I can’t help but ask, is this acceptable behaviour for an otherwise healthy, used-to-be-social, 63 year old, extraverted, woman with what is now a old, boring, mundane illness?

Right after the Apocalypse, began, in November, I saw the following on Facebook:

To protect my energy it’s ok to cancel a commitment.

To protect my energy it’s okay to take a day off.

To protect my energy it’s okay to not answer that call.

To protect my energy it’s okay to not share myself.

To protect my energy it’s okay to do nothing.

To protect my energy it’s okay to be alone.

To protect my energy it’s okay to speak up.

To protect my energy it’s okay to move on.

To protect my energy it’s okay to let go.

To protect my energy it’s okay to change.

To protect my energy it’s okay to say NO.

Believe me when I tell you, this became my mantra.  I was not going to do ANYTHING I did not feel like doing.  If the gods had seen fit to strike me down, in the prime of my life *ahem* with a horrible, unfair, chronic illness; then by golly, it was now going to be all about me!

And fair enough!

Except now… I’m not 100% sure my motives are as pure.

Is it really about my energy, or is it about my big, old, fat, moon face?  Am I protecting my inner child, or am I hiding these dry, cracked, bleeding stumps, that some people might call hands?  Am I shielding my fragile, healing soul, or concealing my newly developed “roid gut.”

I can only imagine that you’re as horrified reading these questions, as I am embarrassed, asking them!  …but ask I must!

Have I been fooling myself (and YOU) all along?  Have I bamboozled all of us into believing that I have even the slightest modicum of depth? Integrity?  Authenticity?   Insight?

Or am I (as it would now seem) the most shallow, narcissistic, vain, shell of an old, pathetic women; who’s actually been avoiding social contact because she has not come to grips with the physical transformation her diseases have given rise to?

WTF?  Are you kidding me?

Well.. this weighty topic, obviously requires more analysis, so we will all just have to be fucking patient, while I try and figure this shit out!