with envy

Yes, I admit it…  I’m human. 

I look at the people around me, living “normal” lives, and I am resentful. 

Strong feelings of envy rise within me, as I continually witness their comings and goings.  I crave that seemingly unending energy, ease of movement and zest for life!  I see them (YOU) enjoying life, and all it has to offer, and frankly…  I’m annoyed that fate has chosen a different path for me.


Yes, yes, I know it’s never cool to ask “Why me?”  The “bigger,” more altruistic question would be to ask, “Why not me?”  …but I’m not feeling very righteous or noble today.  The more familiar accepting, philosophical, giving “me” has apparently joined everyone else and buggered off down to the pub, to have a few laughs!   

It’s not just the adventurous, out-of-the-ordinary, pleasurable stuff I covet…  No, oddly enough, I truly desire the normality. 

I’d like to able to able to accomplish (without feeling like I’ve run a freakin marathon!) those mundane, humdrum, ordinary tasks that people do on a day-to-day basis, without even thinking about it!  Make the bed, go shopping in town, meet a friend for lunch, go out to dinner after the “Early Bird Special,” has ended, get back to my volunteer work at the hospice…

Is that really asking too much? 

In an effort to hinder this snorkel (and possible suicide attempt) in the “Sea of Self Pity,”  a friend, kindly remind me of all the things that I am able to do.  Honestly (and I’m sure it’s because of the vile mood I’m in) I found several of the things on the list pretty pathetic!  Seriously, I think we’re grasping at a few straws, here.  I mean let’s not break our arm, patting ourself on the back because we removed a few scratches from the purple leather couches!

Admittedly, though…  there were a few things on the list that made me smile and feel a bit proud.  … but that’s not the point!  We’re not here to write about feeling proud; we’re to write about envy and the green eyed monster!  Damn it! 

{By the way… G_G, I do so appreciate you taking the time to come up with that list!  What a lovely thing to do to lift my spirits and try to make me see things from a different perspective!  And “Shhhhh,” I looked at the list again, and some of those things are kind of impressive! Thank you!!!!}   ; ) 

It’s now been 170 days (or 5.58 months) since my life was irreparably altered by two weird and virtually unheard of autoimmune diseases.  This means, I have somehow lived through, but without really remembering or truly experiencing;  Thanksgiving (albeit a British Thanksgiving, which is called, Thursday) Christmas (and Christmas shopping), New Year’s Eve & Day, Max’s First Birthday, Super Bowl Sunday, Valentine’s Day, Arielle’s Birthday (Did I even get her a birthday present?) and a plethora of GP, Rheumatologist,  and A&E visits, as well as numerous blood test appointments, bone density tests, scans, eye tests and a lot of poking and prodding by total strangers!    

I seem to have lost 5 1/2 months of my life! 

float through life, without really grasping, or experiencing it.  One day just melts into the next and it sometimes feels like I’m the female version of Bill Murray in a remake of “Groundhog Day.”  I catch only pieces of my life, as they drift by, but the “big picture,” always eludes me.  I feel as though I have lost my direction and most of my true purpose.   

How will I cope for the next 2-5 years?  What can I do to remain relevant? What do I do when these four walls no longer contain me? What if “ranting” isn’t enough? 

Hopefully today is just a glitch in the matrix.   

Perhaps today’s weather; which is cold, dark, rainy and windy, has me in a funk.   

Maybe I have “Cabin Fever.” 

It’s possible the “Green Eyed Monster” has crept into my brain and seeded these destructive, thoughts of self doubt.   

Maybe all of this “alone time,” has taken its toll on my mental health?

It’s not like me to feel “green!” 

This is not me!!!!  I usually take pleasure in your accomplishments and celebrate your successes;  I enjoy living (vicariously though I must) through you and enjoying your  experiences and triumphs!  I truly want to feel ecstatic for the lady who just returned from Nepal (my lifelong dream trip!!!) and India, not feel resentment!       

Here’s hoping tomorrow will be a new day and I will have taken on a new colour, because I’ve decided, green doesn’t suite me; however, I have realised, once again, that I am…. only human. 

Actual photo of me, taken this morning!   actula photo  TONY SANTIAGO MOVIE/TV FAN ART



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