Double Trouble

Some people say we should all, ” learn to dance in the rain.”  While others believe that, “…when it rains, it pours.”  Well, I gotta tell ya…  I am fucking soaked to the bone. Treading water. Drowning.

I wasn’t feeling 100% on Sunday, as OH (my Other Half) and I strolled around Sainsbury’s, doing the weekly shop.  And I should have known something was wrong, when even rifling through the Christmas “tat” didn’t lift my spirits. 

It wasn’t until later in the day, after the couch and I had been intimate for many hours, that I realised I was experiencing UTI symptoms again. Still.  

It’s been 4 weeks and 3 antibiotics later (two of which I was allergic to and one which apparently didn’t work, as I had just ended that cycle last Thursday) and we seem no closer to ending this ordeal, than we were 4 weeks ago. 

This particular UTI, would present with a whole new, even more hideous twist; which I wouldn’t truly comprehend until about two o’clock, Monday morning. 

That’s when I woke up (in agony) covered in sweat, realising that I needed to get to the toilet IMMEDIATELY!  My first thought was that I was unwittingly auditioning for John Hurt’s role, in a recreation of the film “Alien;” as my entire abdomen felt like I had swallowed a baby elephant… and he wanted out, NOW! 

Aaargh…

Although there was “relief,” there was no relief (if you get my drift?)

Back in bed, the next several hours were spent dozing in and out, crying, moaning and literally calling out for my Mom, because you’re never to old for your Mom to comfort you!  (Unfortunately, my Mom’s been dead, since 1991) 

There were 6-8 more trips to the toilet, none of which eased my pain and suffering. 

By morning, I was spent.  There were fever blisters on my tongue, I was nauseous, shivering, and having an ongoing debate with myself, that “IF” I had to “choose,” would it be worse to shit the bed or vomit, in it? (The jury is still out on that one…) 

There were definitely the more “normal” signs of a UTI, but there was so much more!  And as morning turned into early afternoon, and I was still in bed (calling out for Mom, like she was in the next room), I used what little energy I had, to do the most reasonable thing I could think to do; I called on “Doctor Google!” 

Ahhhh! Ohhhh? Hmmm! Okay, it all made sense now; pain/discomfort in your sides, lower back or around your genitals, a temperature, shivering/chills, weak/fatigued, loss of appetite, feeling/being sick, diarrhoea, I had a rip roaring kidney infection and I was probably going to die.

Long story short (although my stories are NEVER short) I texted OH and said I thought I should go to A&E (since I was like number 99, in a phone queue, at my local surgery and dying at the hands of those incompetents, was not an option!) OH came home and off to A&E, we went.  

By nothing less than a miracle,  I was called in like 15 minutes (even though the waiting room was heaving with sick and bleeding people!  There was one guy there with a nail (about 3 inches long) protruding out between his thumb and his index finger!!!! He was on his way to x-ray! 

A nice young, male doctor asked me to pee in a cup and then took a history: asking me precise and relevant questions, i.e. “When was the last time you took an antibiotic for your UTI?”  “How many times have you seen your GP regarding UTI symptoms in last month?”  Where is the pain exactly?  “Did your GP get a culture done?” 

I was still in a lot of pain, when he asked me to lie flat on the table…. “Oh God!”  As I climbed onto the table and he lifted my shirt… I realised he was going to start poking and prodding my abdomen!  “OMG, no…. Please Noooooooooo!”   

It was crystal clear that I was about to perform my own “one woman” rendition, of the famous “eating beans around a campfire,” scene from the 1974 classic movie, “Blazing Saddles!<<<Click to access a video 

This WAS NOT how I wanted to go out…  or be remembered!  

As I prayed to be swallowed up by the exam table, he started pushing and prodding my abdomen…  but, much to my surprise, NOTHING HAPPENED!  No loud, strange noises, no noxious smells… he wasn’t blown across the room by the force of my wind!  No, just me, writhing in agony, every time he kneaded his chubby, little fingers into my belly! 

 “Thank God!!!  I may die here on this table…”  I remember thinking, “…but I will not fart,” and I didn’t!  

“Bravo, bravo,” I can hear you cheering!  “Grazie, grazie!”  I graciously, respond. 

In the end, he (and his Dip Stick ) concluded that “yes,” there was indeed another infection present; but he wasn’t sure if it was just a UTI, or if the infection had travelled to my bladder and/or kidneys; however, he also suspected I had a serious gastrointestinal virus, which was probably causing much of my pain!  

He would send my sample to the lab and “…see what it grows.”  (Lovely thought, huh?) and he would order a round of new antibiotics.

The lab results are due back today and I have been taking a new antibiotic (Trimethoprim) since Monday night (with NO adverse side effects!) This is the 4th antibiotic, in 5 weeks, two of which nearly killed me (or could have!)  

The past 3 days are a blur and I don’t remember a lot of it. I went from the bed to the couch and from the couch to the bed. (OH chose to sleep in the spare room; although I can’t imagine why?) 

Today?  Today is the first day I feel “almost” human!!!  I still have abdominal pain and haven’t really eaten anything substantial, since about 3:00 on Sunday afternoon, but I am 85-90% better than I was!  And the fact that I am “ranting” and trying to make you laugh with cheap “fart,” jokes is proof of that!     

Apologies to all the Elvis fans who might have hoped that this “rant,” was about his 1967 classic, of the same name… but my double trouble, was/is a totally unique and personal account of what I call “My Fucked Up Life!”