Jackie O, I Ain’t!

The year was 1955 and the beautiful, charismatic, elegant, iconic, Jackie Kennedy (later to become “Jackie O”) broke her ankle playing touch football with the Kennedy family, in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts. What I can only imagine was “freak,” accident (as it was “touch” football) left her in a cast and on crutches for several weeks.

My knee replacement surgery (different I know) was only 12 days ago. And I have no idea how long I will be on crutches; I guess that will be up to the way my body heals, my dedication to PT, and the Powers that be.

However, I can already say, with the utmost certainly, that I will not be as graceful, fashionable or sophisticated as Jackie O was, way back when.

For some reason, I just cannot imagine her standing over the kitchen sink, at 6:30 in the morning; miserable, disoriented, semi drugged, shovelling large spoonfuls of Greek yogurt into her mouth; as her crutches crashed to the floor for the umpteenth feakin time!

Nor can I see her walking around braless, in only a stained, long sleeve tee shirt; because she forgot she had only two pair of sweat pant that would go over her very swollen leg/cast, and both pair were in the laundry!

I doubt she waited until just before “Jack” was expected home, to wash her face, brush her teeth, and change out of the ketchup stained sweatshirt, she’d been wearing for the last 3 days.

For goodness sakes, she left the hospital wearing a “little black day dress” (most likely Chanel!) and one black leather pump!!!!!

Yes, she left the hospital wearing a “high heeled,” black leather pump! WTF?

I’m lucky I had matching trainers on when I left the hospital! Hmm? Wait? Come to think of it… Oh no never mind, who cares?

She smiled at the cameras and effortlessly carried on with her fabulous life, as America watched.

Me? Well, from day 3 (Oddly, the same day they took my opiates away) I have bitched, moaned, complained and spewed obscenities towards every living soul who ever said, “Sure, have the knee replacement surgery, it’ll be great!”

My already not so fucking fabulous life, has been made just a wee bit worse by; even worse extremely dry and itchy skin, big, red, horrible bruises everywhere, hands that ‘literally’ feel like sandpaper and finger nails that look like I clawed my way out of the hospital; and as a bonus, I have a new inability to sleep more than 1.5 hors at any given time, no matter how exhausted I am!!!!!

I have aches in places I didn’t know I had places (How can your thumb joint hurt?); and the circles under my eyes make me look like a “runner up” in a 1990’s Marilyn Manson Look Alike Contest!

Things are so bad, even my signature Chanel Rouge Allure Velvet lipstick, doesn’t seem to make me very alluring!!!!

Jackie would have had NONE of this!

Not because she had more money, had servants, was younger than me, or was married to a John Freakin Kennedy, or had more money than me, but because she was Jackie Kennedy/Jackie O! She was the epitome of a modern day (well, for 1953) do it all, have it all woman… She would go on to be one of the most iconic female figures in history.

Me? I’m just some poor layabout, who had knee replacement surgery, wasn’t prepared for the aftermath (I take full responsibility for that!) and is now in pain, lonely, miserable and bitter sitting on her couch, gagging for a cup of tea, but is too damn lazy to get up, and limp to the kitchen, to make one.

I have however made some remarkable discoveries since I’ve been home and incapacitated!

“Necessity {truly} is the mother of invention”

My hair does not need to be washed EVERY night! In fact it looks better when it’s not!

Sports bras are easier to put on and more comfortable than regular bras!

A spill-proof hot/cold sports drink holder, fits perfectly into your sweatpants pocket.

The round, plastic arm band thingy, on your crutches, can be used to scoop up things like towels, blankets, clothes AND it can be used as a “grabber” to drag things towards you!

I could save a shitload of money by not busying/wearing make-up!!!! (and with my cataracts, I don’t think I look too bad!)

If you are forced to eat over the sink you eat faster, less often and consume less food!

The fluid in my leg MUST weigh at least 10 pounds, because I weigh exactly the same as I did before the surgery, and that’s impossible! WTF?

If you cry, fart, scream, or curse out loud to the heavens, but nobody is home to hear to you; it never happened.

Those weird codeine dreams should be forgotten and ignored at all costs! Never tell anyone!

All in all, I won’t say it’s been a totally, horrible, gruesome, dreadful experience… Has it been great? No. Do I want to do it again? No, never. Do I wish I were more Jackie O than Hunchback of Notre Dame? Yes, definitely.

however, when I’m running after my 2 year old Grandson in 6, 9, 12 months, will it have all been worth it?

Totally!