Tag Archives: monster

The Ultimate Betrayal


I cannot imagine any human betrayal as excruciating as a self-betrayal.

Imagine… your body, unbeknownst to you, makes an arbitrary decision to start producing antibodies, that will attack its own (YOUR OWN) tissue!  This attack will ultimately lead to the deterioration and in some cases to the total destruction of such tissue.

Wait… What?  Why would my body want to do that to me?  Aren’t we in this together?  Aren’t we a team?

Well, guess again…  because that is the hideous nature of an auto-immune disease/disorder.

It’s you, stabbing yourself in back, selling yourself out, double-crossing yourself.  Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Go f**k yourself.”  

An auto-immune disease/disorder develops when your immune system, which normally defends your body against disease, decides that your healthy cells are foreign. As a result, your immune system then attacks the healthy cells.


The ultimate betrayal.

You’d think this was a rare occurrence, right?  I mean only a freak of nature could have it’s own body decide to turn against itself, no?

Well, according to the American Autoimmune Related Diseases Association (AARDA) there are approximately 50 million Americans (20 percent of the population or one in five people) who suffer from auto-immune diseases.  Women are more likely than men to be affected; some estimates say that 75 percent of those affected, some 30 million people, are women! 

Ladies… What the hell are we doing to ourselves?  Or, maybe a better question is what the hell are we not doing for ourselves, that we should be doing? 

There’s a lot of speculation out there as to exactly what’s causing these deviant auto-immune diseases/disorders, but I don’t think a conclusive verdict is in.  The frontrunner, proposed triggers include:  

  • 1. Gluten
  • 2. Gluten-free grains
  • 3. Quinoa
  • 4. *Stress
  • 5. Toxins
  • 6. Sugar
  • 7. Chocolate
  • 8. Dairy
  • 9. Nightshades
  • 10. Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO)
  • 11. Weakened Microbiome (our highly sophisticated gut ecosystem)
  • 12. Leaky gut syndrome

*Unfortunately, not only does stress cause disease, but the disease itself  also causes  significant stress in the patients, creating a vicious cycle.  {Stress as a trigger}

Truth be told, I think there may be more possible causes, than there are auto-immune diseases/disorders! 

So, we (women) are a competitive lot, huh?  Just look at us competing with the men for all of the historically “male,” causes of death.  According to the CDC, the Leading Causes of Death (LCOD) in females, in the United States are as follows: 

…and now, it looks like we’re leading the pack in the unwanted acquisition of these complex and monstrous auto-immune diseases/disorders too. 

I don’t have any answers.  

In fact, I have unwittingly betrayed myself…  I have not one, but two auto-immune diseases that are kicking my ass! 

I’m embarrassed and hesitant to admit it, but this is the hardest “shit” I have had to deal with, EVER in my entire life.  And that includes dealing with the long term illness and subsequent  death of loved ones, dealing with having a child diagnosed with cancer, heartbreak, divorce, miscarriage, and marriages to assholes, you name it I experienced it! 


It feels like I’m in battle; I’m fighting for control of my body, my mind, my very being. The problem is, I’m in a battle against myself. 

How do I even fight this fight?

the_monster_in_me_by_autumnends Illustration by Anita Kolsen


The Beast


I don’t have to tell you… you already know.  It’s very likely your mother, father, sister, brother, child, friend, neighbour or someone else close to you has, or has had, cancer.  You know what it feels like… It’s like your whole world is being devoured by an unforgiving monster.

It’s been 10 weeks and 4 days (74 days, 1,766 hours and 106,560 minutes) since that monster found its way to my family’s door.  Chomp, chomp, chomp is the sound I heard (hear)  24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And with each chomp my child’s life is being threatened, her very existence jeopardised. 

For 10 weeks and 4 days I’ve stood by, helpless, gagged and bound…  while this monster eyed her,  sniffed her, salivated over her and nibbled at her  playfully. Red greedy eyes, teeth made of yellow blades, purple lizard like skin, a true demon from hell.  This human eating monster has been breathing down our necks and laughing mercilessly at our fear.

Well… yesterday that demon was exorcised from my daughter’s body.  With skill and persistence it was cut out in its entirety (we hope). Although the surgeon himself, described the mass as “a nasty thing.”

The beast managed to devour only one ovary….  Leaving hope for my child’s child and a “normal” future.

There will be pathology reports to analyse and more chemo treatments, but for now, the man eating horror has been removed, we’ve won this battle.

How do I thank God and the  universe for this amazing gift? How do I repay to the countless individuals who’s prayers, power and optimism manifested this outcome?

Only love and time will tell

{illustration by  http://muddyglasses.com }