#dontharshmymellow

WOW!

People who are grieving can be real downers, huh?

Hey, I’m only saying it, because it’s true!

We suck.

Well, okay…  maybe not everyone who is grieving sucks, but I certainly do!

I didn’t know it was possible to harsh your own mellow…  but apparently it is!  Even I don’t like being with me!

Living with grief is like opening your eyes every morning and finding yourself in the House of Mirrors; you logically know there must be a way out, but no matter which way you turn, you walk into a wall or a mirror ago of yourself!!  You stumble around, having no idea how to get out, but you have no choice but to keep trying.  You start to believe staying in the nightmare isn’t an option and you feel you must find a way out before you throw up or die!

You never know what the new day’s going to bring.  I often wonder,  “Will today be the day  I bitch out the fishmonger for not having any fresh salmon; or break into tears when I see that drunk guy stumbling down the high street; maybe today’s the day I finally just punch that guy in the face, because he refuses to look up from his stupid iPhone and he crashes right into me!”  You just never know.

I feel like a walking time bomb…  a cornucopia of mixed and conflicting emotions; ready to explode onto the unsuspecting world at any moment.

I think perhaps Facebook rights should be temporarily suspended from grieving people.

Okay… I think Facebook rights should be suspended from me!

My posts rage from incomprehensible dribble to lethally depressive “one liners ,” that make you think Leonard Cohen’s version of “Hallelujah” is actually pretty upbeat!

I vacillate from being 100% apathetic and indifferent about EVERYTHING, to vehemently debating things with everybody and anybody;  important things like the need for the toilet roll to ALWAYS be dispensed OVER the roller and NEVER under!

I’m up.

I’m down.

I’m sad.

I’m manic.

I’m the direct opposite to whatever I believed myself to be, just a minute ago.

It’s bizarre because I don’t even consciously think about Tommy anymore… I’ve pushed him under and covered him with shrouds of anger and resentment.  I’ve buried him with Charlie, Mom, Dad and all the others who so carelessly let their lives end… leaving me here alone.

I know, I know, my feelings are juvenile and trite… but nevertheless they are unfortunately undeniable.

They tell you there are seven stages of GRIEF…

  • SHOCK & DENIAL
  • PAIN & GUILT
  • ANGER & BARGAINING
  • DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
  • THE UPWARD TURN
  • RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
  • ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

What they don’t tell you is that you will feel ALL of them, a hundred times a day, in no particular order!

And in those fleeting moments, when you think you’ve finally got it figured out… you walk straight into that mirror image of yourself… BAM!  And as you shake it off,  and take a step back, you see that she’s…  she’s laughing at you!  That is particularly odd because you can feel the hot tears of pain and loneliness  streaming down your face.  Hmmm?

Got grief?

**********************************************************************

Written on May 3rd… never posted.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “#dontharshmymellow

  1. I see this was written in early May, just now posted so perhaps you still feeling so helpjpless/angry/lonely/sad and abandoned. You know and have heard all the platitudes, empty words when depression takes over. Maybe it is time for a little professional help, someone to listen to your vents and help,you deal with all issues, even the hidden ones. Just keep in mind, you are loved and cherished by many, including us, xo, Barry and Lois

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I so love you! I am much better now… This was written in early May and I am not sure why it never got published. (?) Grief, right? Anyway you are right I was think that perhaps I need to talk to someone as losing Tommy has brought up all kids of grief.. Mom, Dad, Charlie, my youth, my career… things I hadn’t thought about in years! Hey anyway, where are you? Are you home?

      Like

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